Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
Randomize
