I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize