On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
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