I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
