Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
