My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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