Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
