Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
