Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
