This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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