i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
