If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
I fill condoms, not promises.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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