Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize
