I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I will be naked everywhere
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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