Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Your penis caused this!
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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