He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
