You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Bang-toberfest begins!!
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
