Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Randomize