Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
