That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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