Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
