He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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