Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I ahte it when I peed a little on my shews. I got a litll bit on the automen in your room too.:/
Tracy!! I don't have an ottoman in my room.
Ohhh....do you have a dog shaped liek un automan?
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
