saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
