Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
We had sex on a dog bed..
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Randomize
