My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
