Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
