I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Randomize
