He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
