I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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