I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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