I accidentally had phone sex last night
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
