I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Randomize
