I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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