i wouldnt be suprised if in indian your name meant "walking lie"
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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