we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Randomize
