I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
