I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
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