its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
