this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
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