I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
