I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
BRING THE BAGELS
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
Randomize
