Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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