Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
