You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Randomize
