omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Randomize
