Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
