I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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