i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
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