I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
My cat gives me a boner
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
