I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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