i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
