so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
