Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Randomize