Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
