So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Randomize
