I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
