i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Randomize
