She is in my trunk
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
