So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
