So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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