I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Randomize
