There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
