i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize